The Ultimates
by PixelButterfly
Summary: Thranduil, Lucius Malfoy, and Loki own a hair salon. Watch as a normal day goes by. Old friends are met again, and the Burn Book is uncovered. Guest appearances from Elrond, Galadriel, Katniss, Buffy, Annabeth, and many many more!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer! I totes mcgotes don't own any of these characters! They all belong to their respectful owners!**

Thranduil sat in a pink chair while he waited for his hair to set. He absentmindedly flipped through People Magazine and gasped at Cersei Lannister's unknown secrets.

"I always knew she was a slut." He muttered to himself and turned the page. The door to the hair salon opened, and Loki walked in. "Loki! You're two minutes late!" Thranduil called out in a sing-songy voice and motioned for him to come closer.

"I'm sorry, but I was burdened w-"

"With glorious purposes. We know, honey. Hi Thrandy!" The door opened again, and Lucius Malfoy stepped in.

"Lucy! It's been so long! Your hair! Have you been using the-"

"Beeswax shampoo you sent us? Yes! It's amazing and does wonders to my hair! Thor is so jealous." Loki smiled. Lucius sat down and grabbed the magazine from Thranduil.

"That skank! I had no idea she was doing the entire Kingsguard!" He exclaimed and Thranduil nodded.

"I know right?" He asked, and Loki snatched the article from Lucius.

"Let me see tha- my gosh!" He exclaimed, and Thranduil nodded, and moved away from the heat of the dryer. His hair was perfect, and all he had to do was put on his crown.

"How do I look?" He asked, and his friends put their thumbs up.

"Amazing as usual!" Lucius exclaimed, and Loki nodded.

"I think you look great, but does it matter?" He counted to three on his fingers and the three men shouted,

"Because our hair gets more fabulous every day!" They burst into uncontrollable laugter. After composing themselves, the three men began preparing for the work day. They organized bottles of shampoo, color coordinated hair pins, and fed the peacocks that lounged around being beautiful.

"I don't think Daenerys likes me." Loki said as he petted Mr. Sparkle's neck. Lucius looked up and Thranduil dropped the bottle of conditioner he was holding.

"What?! What did you do to her?!" Lucius asked, and Loki shrugged.

"I said her hair looked like a bird emptied it's bladder on it, and she gave me the cold shoulder! I never did anything mean to her and now look! She has Rapunzel, Sherlock, the Starks, and Katniss against me! What did I ever do to Katniss?!" He demanded, and Lucius laughed.

"Well you were right about her hair! Ever since she married Khal Drogo, she's been looking like a savage! You were right to put her in her place!" Thranduil said.

"Yes, and don't mind Katniss! She's just a sixteen year old girl!" Lucius smirked, flipping the hot pink sign in front of the door. It was made by Thranduil and blared,

_**WE ARE TOTES MCGOTES OPEN! No Dwarves or Mudbloods allowed. Don't know what those are? Come on in! 3**_

_****_The sound of _I'm a Boss Ass Bitch_ came on as the door opened. Thranduil had thought it was a much better replacement than a regular bell.

"Hi! My name's Annabeth, and I wanted to get my hair cut!" She smiled, and all three men stopped in their tracks.

"No, honey! You have such beautiful golden curls! Aw, I wish my hair was naturally like this." Loki sighed and touched a strand.

"But I'm the customer."

"So? We say your hair is beautiful just the way it is, honey! We are experts on hair!" Lucius twiddled a strand of his own platinum locks. Annabeth looked into the mirror.

"Maybe I'll wait a day or two before cutting it." She finally said and thanked them and walked out.

"Oh my gosh, did you see that gray streak in her hair? Can I get an uh-guh-lee!" Thranduil huffed.

"Ugly!"

"Ugly!" Loki and Lucius chimed. They continued to sit around and read magazines until the door opened again. Legolas had just stepped inside.

"Ada, this is Gimli, my best-"

"DWARF!" Lucius screamed and began running in circles and Loki threw bottles of conditioner at him. Thranduil took one look at the short man with that huge unsanitary beard in his salon and fainted. Gimli looked at Legolas and said,

"I'll come back another time for that haircut you owe me." then lumbered out the door. Lucius peeked from behind the hair washing station.

"Is it gone?" He asked, and Legolas nodded.

"Yes, Lucius, he's gone." Lucius Malfoy straightened his robes and grabbed a bottle of Mango Paradise scented conditioner from the ground. He opened the top and held it up to Thranduil's nose.

"He's gone, Thrandy." Lucius said and Thranduil sat up. Loki took one look at Thranduil and gasped.

"Your beautiful hair! It's frizzy now!" He cried out, and Legolas crept out of the shop.

The next hour was full of Loki and Lucius cleaning while Thranduil redid his hair.

"There!" He smiled, placing his crown atop his head. "Now I'm fabulous once more."

Thranduil stationed himself behind the front counter and ran a finger down the names that were coming in that day,

"William Turner, Hermione Gran-"

"Cross her off!" Lucius yelled from the coat closet. "She's a Mudblood!" Loki laughed from the leather sofa he was laying on.

"The sign says no Mudbloods. If she can read, she won't come in."

"Cross her off anyways! And continue the list, I want to hear who else comes in!" Thranduil grabbed a pink pen with a puffball and glitter on it and sliced a hot pink line through Hermione Granger.

"After Hermione Granger is someone named Sheldon Cooper. Then there's a kid named Aang, huh, Katniss has an appointment too! That's all of them!" Thranduil snapped the book shut and the doors opened.

"Thrandy! It's been sooo long!" A soft voice floated in.

"Galadriel? Elrond? What are you guys doing here?" Thranduil laughed, and hugged the two elves.

"We came to see how you were doing!" She smiled and Elrond held up a bright pink book titled THE BURN BOOK.

"We also found an old friend." He grinned and Thranduil called Lucius and Loki over.

"This is the Burn Book. It has almost everything about everyone!" He whispered, and opened it.

"Lori Grimes is a grotsky little byotch." Galadriel read, and every muttered,

"Still true."

"Bella Swan is a fat virgin."

"Still half true!" Loki smirked. "She's lost weight."

"Sansa Stark. She made out with a hotdog." They were about to say something but the doors opened, and a man that looked an awful lot like Legolass came in.

"Hi, I'm going out to sea and I need some extra strength shampoo for the salt water." He said and Loki rushed to get him three bottles.

"That'll be five Galleons, twenty dollars, fourteen stags, or nineteen space credits. Or whatever currency you pay in." He said, and Will Turner paid in British Euro's.

"Thrandy, I swear that was your son with brown hair. He looked so much like him!" Elrond stated, and Thranduil shrugged.

"Maybe. Do you want coffee?" He asked, and both elves shook their heads.

"We were just dropping by to say hi and show you the book. We have to go now! Bye!" Galadriel said, and the two exited the shop with the Burn Book.

It turns out, Hermione Granger could read. She took one look at the sign and stomed away while Lucius, Loki, and Thranduil laughed.

A few minutes later, a lean man in two shirts stepped in.

"Gentlemen, my name is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. I am here for my haircut." he said, and sat down. While Lucius gently clipped at Sheldon's hair, Loki and Thranduil enjoyed coffee together.

"So I heard that Legolas is dating Tauriel." Loki said, and Thranduil shook his head.

"No they're not! Who told you that?!" He demanded, and Loki whispered.

"Daenerys Targaryen and Watson." Thranduil sniffed.

"You shouldn't trust Daenerys Targaryen! She is giving you the cold shoulder after all! And Watson? His deducting skills aren't as finely tuned as Sherlock." Lucius whistled,

"He does have a point." Sheldon Cooper snapped is fingers.

"I would like it if you concentrated on my hair and not on the menial topics you are conversing now!" He said, and Lucius snipped a chunk from the back of his head.

"There. All done. Are you happy?"

"Absolutely not, but I suppose I have to pay." He said and slapped a twenty down onto the counter. "My thanks, gentlemen." He gave a small bow and exited the door.

They continued to gossip and opened a new shipment of scented puffy pens. Then, Aang came.

"Hi I was-"

"Get out! You're bald! You don't need us!" Loki screeched, and scared the child away. They had a nice lunch of vegetarian lasagne and fed the peacocks.

Finally, Katniss came in.

"I know Loki hates me right now, so Thranduil does my hair." She growled, and sat in a pink chair. "Could you just rim the edges? Thanks." Thranduil nodded and looked at her.

"I heard you were hanging out with Daenerys Targaryen." He said whil snipping mere centimeters off.

"Oh, yeah. I guess, I mean, we're not that close."

"Mhmm." Thranduil peeked behind himself and saw Loki recording the conversation while Lucius wrote it down.

"She gets really picky on the subject of fire, though. I don't see why, seeing as she's the so called 'Blood of the Dragon' I mean come on. Does anyone believe that?" Thranduil agreed with her.

"It does sound a bit forced. But you are the Girl on Fire, and you are so much cooler than she is! Look at her hair for goodness sake! It's a rat's nest! And yours?" He snipped an end. "Yours is like silk." Katniss blushed.

"Thank you."

"That'll be forty dollars." Thranduil rang her up and waved good-bye. "I think that covers everyone! Good work everybody!" He exclaimed and high fived the others.

Loki and Lucius both smiled and fed the peacocks one last time before having another round of coffee. Then, after two hours of non-stop chatter, Lucius waved good-bye to Loki and Thranduil.

Loki was second to go, leaving Thranduil to close up. He smiled at the peacocks one last time and flipped the pink sign. It now read,

**SORRY WE'RE CLOSED, BUT WE CAN'T HELP IT IF WE'RE POPULAR! Come again tomorrow! 3**


	2. Pink Pink Pink

Thranduil was first to work (as usual). He had a few minutes to kill, and his hair looked perfect, so he called Legolas. His son picked up after three rings.

"Ada! How are you?" He asked. "I'm very well and you, ion-nin? How are you?"

"I'm great! I was just about to call Tauriel!" Thranduil gasped and nearly dropped his phone.

"Why?!"

"Haven't you heard? She's dating Kili!" His son exclaimed, and Thranduil fell out of his chair. He was going to have a chat with the dwarves. Nobody dated his son's bodyguard/best friend without his permission!

"Ada? Are you there?"

"Yes, ion-nin. I have to hang up! Someone's come in!" He ended the call and grabbed a pink sticky note. Thranduil grabbed his special pink pen and scrawled on the note,

I have serious issues to attend to in my family; Tauriel is dating a dwarf! I'll be back in a couple hours. Lucius, Loki, don't burn anything down and remember to feed the peacocks! The Appointment Book has whoever is coming in! Love you guys!

-Thrandy

He adjusted his crown and bolted out the door. He ran to where his elk was parked with a sparkly pink leash.

"We have to get to Mirkwood!" He yelled, and the elk began running in and out of cars. It stepped on the hood of the Batmobile and continued to run. Robin jumped out of the car and gave a choked gasp.

"Look what you've done!" He shook his fist and Thranduil only urged the elk on faster and yelled,

"Tauriel is in grave danger!" When they finally reached Mirkwood, Thranduil jumped off of his elk and sprinted to Tauriel's small bode on the edge of the forest. He knocked on the door seven times and waited. The door opened and Thranduil walked in.

"My king, wh-"

"You're dating a dwarf." He interrupted her and Tauriel nodded.

"I am."

"I must meet this dwarf before anything gets too serious! I am your king, and as king, I excercise my right to act as your father. Call him over." He commanded and Tauriel raised her eyebrows but dialled Kili's number.

"Kili? Yeah, could you come over? No, it's the king, he want's to meet you. Yes, bye." She said and set the phone down.

"Would you like something to drink?" She asked and Thranduil shook his head.

"How long have you been dating?" He asked, a large amount of seriousness ringing in his voice.

"A while. We began talking after Smaug." She said and Thranduil asked for a small towel. He seated himself at the head of the table and unsheathed his sword. Humming _Don't Cha_ by the Pussycat Dolls, he began to clean the sword, taking care to erase the slightest bit of wear. When Tauriel went to open the door, Thranduil covered his face in a steely mask and glared.

"Sit." He pointed to the second seat on his left. It was one of the dwarves that set out to take back Erebor. The dwarf looked at him hesitantly and took the seat. "You too, Tauriel."

"So, I hear you want to date my son's bodyguard." Thranduil glared, and Kili gulped, eyeing the blade.

"Yes."

"Well, can you shoot farther than her?" Kili thought for a moment,

"I don't know."

"Can you run faster than her? Is your hair shinier than hers? Do you have what it takes to date her?" By then, Kili was sweating bullets and Tauriel was beginning to eye the king anxiously.

"I love her?"

"You don't sound sure enough. Do you have what it-" His phone began to sing _Sexy and I Know It_ by LMFAO. "Hold on. Hello? Oh gosh, really? Tell Loki to staunch the flames and give her a refund! I'll be there in a few." He turned back to Kili. "I give you my permission to date Tauriel, but one toe out of line and I'll kick you back to Erebor, clear?"

"Yes! Yes, sir I mean!" Thranduil gave a gruff nod and ran back to where his elk was grazing.

"Back to the hair salon! Loki has set Buffy Summers' hair on fire!" The elk streaked back towards the salon, and stepped on the Batmobile once again. Once Thranduil parked his elk, he ran inside and saw Loki trying to fix the singed edges of Buffy's hair. Buffy was yelling at Lucius and Loki for being careless.

"What in the world?! I thought my sticky note made it clear that you weren't supposed to set things on fire!" Loki looked up and grinned sheepishly.

"Forgot?" Thranduil pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed.

"Well, let's see what we can salvage." He said and Buffy rolled her eyes. Thranduil saw that Buffy still had the majority of her damp hair. The caramel colored locks were singed at the ends and there was a good three inches missing from one area. "Ooh, I don't know... how do you feel about a pixie cut?" Thranduil asked and Buffy slapped the closest thing, Loki's face.

"Hey!"

"Shut up Loki. Lucy and I are assessing the damage you caused." Thranduil snapped and Loki slunk away, a copy of Us Weekly in his grasp. Loki plopped down onto a chair and pursed his lips.

"We could trim off the burnt ends and give you extensions or we can layer it and shorten your hair a lot." Lucius said, and Buffy nodded.

"Let's do the first one!" She smiled, and Lucius began snipping at ends.

I'm a boss ass bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch!

"Loki! Where are you, brother?" Thor strided in and Loki looked up.

"Hello, Thor. What brings you here?" He asked, and Thor shrugged.

"I do not know. I think it was because the man of bats had a complaint about hoofprints on his car." Lucius nodded.

"If you're not getting your hair done, leave." He said, and Thor lumbered out the door.

After a while, Lucius allowed Thranduil to take over Buffy. He went ofer to their sequin studded espresso machine and tapped on the LLL (Lucius' Lucky Latte) button. Immediatly a pink cup dropped down and filled with hot, frothy coffee.

"Mmm." He inhaled the hazelnut scent and took a sip. There was a clang and the door flew open.

"Oy! Did anyone by the name of Will Turner come by here?" A man with a red bandana and dredlocks stepped in.

"Yesterday!" Thranduil called over from Buffy's hair.

"Damn, missed him. Anyone got any rum?" The man called out and Lucius shook his head.

"Sorry, no rum here!" He said and the man left, cursing. They looked at each other and shrugged. Who knew why a pirate was in their hair salon? Lucius ran a hand through his hair and watched as Thranduil clipped extensions into Buffy's hair and allowed her to go without paying.

The three men slumped onto their separate chairs and groaned. A girl with ivory skin and dark brown hair stepped in. Bella Cullen (nee Swan) was asking for a haircut. Loki promptly stood up and guided her outside.

"We don't like women that are married to faires that call themselves vampires, so shoo." He smiled and she gave an indignant huff and flounced away. Lucius and Thranduil began to laugh. They all hated vampires.

"I'm pretty sure no one else is going to come in, so I'm closing shop." Thranduil stated after waving good-bye to Angel and Max.

"Bye Thrandy! By Loki!" Lucius called and brought his Firebolt out of the broom closet. Lokie called his good-bye and transported himself home. That left Thranduil and his moose.

"Let's go home. To Mirkwood!" He exclaimed and the moose shot forward, stepping on the hood of a Prius that already had hoof dents on the roof.


	3. Slow Motion

"Slut. Hottie. Bitch. Amazing. Asshole..." Loki was putting his famous nametag stickers on people featured in _Ok!_. "Where would I put Sarah Walker?" he asked and Lucius looked up from the front counter.

"Do you have a Badass Hottie sticker?" He asked and Loki nodded. Thranduil gently petted Mister Majestic's feathers and made sure there were no pieces of clipped hair in the royal bird's plumage.

"I think Sarah Walker is a whole category of her own."

"Very true," Lucius pointed out. He pointed to the door as a customer walked in. The three had been sorting through magazines and cleaning to prepare for a new day.

"Welcome!" Thranduil stood and looked over at the newcomer. Sam Winchester smiled and waved.

"Hey, I'm here to get the package my brother needed. Something about coconut oil shampoo?" He asked and Loki nodded.

"It's in the back. I'll grab it for you," He went to go get the box while Lucius cleaned the desk area. In an awkward silence, Lucius looked up and met eyes with Sam. The two stared at each other passively, registering the other person's weaknesses and the fact that Sam Winchester had not washed his hair in over four days. Lucius was disgusted. He never liked demon hunters anyway.

After Sam left, the doors opened once more and two brunettes walked in, clad in leather and holding swords.

"Oh, Eren! Mikasa! Good to see you guys again!" Loki grinned and Lucius waved. Thranduil huffed as Eren met his eyes and the two glared at each other.

"Eren."

"Thranduil."

"Eren."

"Thranduil."

Mikasa looked from Thranduil to Eren and rolled her eyes. "I need a slight trim," she shrugged and Loki nodded, leading her to a chair. As he spritzed her dark hair with water, Lucius tried to mediate the tense situation between Eren and Thranduil.

"Now now, what happened in the past is the past. We can all move on," he said and Thranduil sniffed, tossing his platinum hair over his shoulder and turning his nose up at the disheveled Titan Shifter.

"Not unless he kneels on the floor and begs for forgiveness," Thranduil said. Eren looked ready to slice the Elven king in two.

"Forgiveness my ass! You're the one that-"

"I can't trim hair with either of you mewling quim in this room!" Loki yelled and Mikasa gave a thoughtful nod. "Don't move, dear, I might cut you," Loki added and Mikasa straightened her head.

Thranduil and Eren glared at each other until Mikasa hopped off of her chair sporting a clean bob cut. "Thanks Loki!" she said and paid in Japanese Yen. As soon as the coins dropped onto the counter, Eren prepared to run.

"Smell you later, Fairy Princess!" Eren called as he exited the store, dodging the bottle of conditioner Thranduil chucked at his head.

"If we don't go out for pumpkin spice lattes this instant, I will inflict upon that scrawny rat what no power in Mordor or Titan could ever do to him," Thranduil huffed, snapping a glitter pen in half.

So, Loki and Thranduil left Lucius to man the fort while they went out for coffee. "Have you heard that Tris Prior and her boyfriend, What's-His-Face are returning to Chicago?" Loki asked as Thranduil put his moose in reverse.

"I didn't! She's still dating Three? I thought she was with Peeta!" Thranduil exclaimed and Loki frowned.

"No, Katniss is with Peeta and Tris is with Five. Thrandy, are you alright? You're messing up your gossip facts," Loki raised an eyebrow. "Who is Maedhros seeing behind Fëanor's back?" he asked.

Thranduil frowned as he tried to park his moose in between a TARDIS and a DeLorean. Loki became more worried when Thranduil sent the moose straight into the TARDIS, headbutting the small lamp off of the top. "Maedhros is seeing... Captain Kirk." Thranduil muttered, trying to ignore the shouts of the 12th Doctor.

"I can't believe you just knocked off my-"

"Can it, Doctor!" Loki shouted at the man. He turned to Thranduil and pursed his lips. "Are you sick? When was the last time you-"

"LOKI I HAVE A MIGRAINE THAT CAN ONLY BE FIXED BY PSL. CAN WE PLEASE GET INSIDE THE DAMN COFFEE SHOP BEFORE I LOSE MY COOL?!" Thranduil bellowed at his friend. Loki conjured his helmet to block the sound of his shouting and nodded.

"I think you already lost your cool," he smirked. "I think you lost your cool the day your son became friends with a-"

"Do not say the word or I swear to Eru Iluvatar I will shave you in your sleep!"

The two hopped off of Thranduil's ride and then made their way into the Starbucks. Thranduil and Loki took their places at the back of the line, standing behind seven... dwarves.

Loki swore Thranduil looked green at the sight of them. "Now now, Thrandy, they're just dwarves. It's not-"

Thranduil rushed forward and picked one dwarf up by the throat. "WHERE ARE MY JEWELS?!" he roared at the small man. The elf looked at him in sheer terror and before Thranduil could say another word, a pale hand flew across his vision and smacked him in the cheek.

"How dare you?!" a female voice shouted. In a moment of surprise, Thranduil dropped the dwarf and drew his sword, pointing the blade toward the woman's throat

"You dare hit the face of a king?!" he seethed. Snow White merely crossed her arms and glared at him.

"I do if he's hurting my dwarves!" she replied.

While Thranduil was contemplating murdering a princess in a coffee shop, Loki cut through the line and stood before the barista.

"Welcome to Starbucks, may I take your order?" Finrod Felagund asked, ignoring the brawl happening in his line.

"One venti pumpkin spice frappe with three shots, extra ice, and no whipped cream for Loki... and one venti pumpkin spice frappe with two pumps mint and one pump chocolate for Lucius." Loki looked back at Thranduil, who was arguing with Snow White and close to murdering a dwarf, and decided to order for him. "And one venti, upside down, soy milk, pumpkin spice latte, extra whip, extra hot, with one extra shot, and one pump of chocolate." He waited for Felagund to type the order in and paid for the drinks in American dollars- the only money he had on him at the time. He leaned close to Felagund before whispering, "Are you not going to stop them?" He pointed to Thranduil and Snow White.

"As long as they aren't actually fighting, no. Plus, this job is so boring, I'd much rather watch King Thranduil skewer a princess than get another teenager asking for 'Mrs. Justin Bieber' on her cup," he shrugged."We haven't had a good brawl since Jean Luc Picard almost killed Jean Valjean for saying he stole his name."

By the time their drinks were ready, Thranduil was haughtily turning his nose up as Snow White decided to leave. "Never trust an elf!" she sniffed before leaving.

Loki nibbled at his straw while Thranduil snatched the coffee cup off of the counter and gulped a quarter of his burning hot coffee. Without so much as batting an eye or blinking an eyelash, the two tossed the backs of their capes behind them and sauntered out the door.

"Back to the salon!" Thranduil declared, sliding a pair of hot pink shutter shades on.

The two boarded the moose and a newly invigorated Thranduil grabbed the reigns and pulled, making the moose vault into the air and land onto the Batmobile. Again.

And as Batman stepped out of his car to shake his fist at the God of Mischief and the Elven King, a purple 1978 Dodge 3700 GT plowed into a red sleigh, a silver Volvo, and a bespectacled man on a broomstick.


End file.
